Why is it so hard to trust God? That is my question. Oh, I know. Not for you. You would never doubt the creator of the universe, Who has proven, again and again, that He has only the greatest love and gifts for you.
I know you wouldn’t doubt, but I do. More often than I’d like to admit.
I don’t doubt God in His Goodness. I don’t doubt His wisdom and control. But oh how often I speak words of encouragement and absolute confidence to a friend and feel such a hypocrite knowing that though I fully believe each of those words to be true for my friend, I doubt those same words hold validity in my life.
I had a beautiful plan for my life. And God interrupted it with his even more beautiful plan. And I sit here today knowing without even a shred of doubt that this plan is far superior to the plan I had in mind. I know, without question, that I am happier in this plan than I would have been in mine. Yet, alas, I grieve what never was. Why grieve when you trust? Can you grieve and trust? Can you say, “God I know this is infinitely better and I am daily grateful and I want nothing else, yet I wish I had known the fulfillment of my heart’s desires before you took over?”
I honestly don’t know. It feels ungrateful. I fear I have a wicked, ungrateful heart. Oh how grateful I am for Jesus who cleanses our hearts… But I digress.
There are many times I can look to in my life where I desperately wanted or hoped for a certain outcome, and God chose differently. And, often I have been able to see the blessing of God’s choice. Sometimes I am just trusting, knowing He knows better, though I cannot yet see.
But my heart grieves. I want my way, frankly. Even when I see the wisdom of His ways, I pout.
So, what is my point? I’m not sure I know. But I do know that, God never fails me. And I don’t think it is that I doubt that He knows what is going on. I don’t doubt that He wants the best for me.
I believe Jeremiah 29:11 that God knows the plans he has for me. I believe He has plans. I believe they are good plans. And every single time I council a friend that God has a plan, I mean it. With all my heart. And when the really bad things happen in my life, I know God has a plan. When the hard things come, I do trust. I have peace.
But because I cannot see hope for my dreams, I cannot see that God has yet actually fulfilled many of them, but has rather changed them to fit His better plan, I despair of ever having my way. Maybe that is it really. Like a spoiled child, I know my Father is wise and right, but I want my own way. I don’t want the consequences of going my own way. So I do endeavor to follow His plan. And pray that He helps me bend my will to His.
I guess I despair of having my own way AND it being God’s will.
Maybe I can be less abstract. Here is an example (and yes, they are all this petty – I actually am pretty good about trusting him on the big stuff like my kids’ salvation): I have decided that there are perhaps 2 things I would really like to have in my home. Central air and a master bedroom with a master bath. Ah, to walk from my bed to my potty without encountering a child… Such a dream.
I shall never, in the span of the next decade, have either. Both will require building a new house. A plan that I dream of but will not happen until most of my children are grown when there will be little reason to actually desire a master bathroom.
Yet I know God has many good plans for me. Better than a master bathroom. But I don’t trust Him to send me a master bathroom. I trust Him to send me better things. And I pout that I have to share a bathroom with my herd of children.
So, why is it hard to trust God? I guess the answer is, it isn’t hard to trust Him. It is hard to get out of His way and let Him do his thing. And to stop pouting. Not pouting is hard. Not pouting is really hard.